Exactly how I feel. Look up the lyrics.

i tried. more than anyone told me i should. i still don't understand and i guess i never will. i'll never get through to you and you'll never tell me what i want to know. but i tried. and that's all that matters to me right now. yes it hurts, i gave you everything i could have given. but i tried. i don't want to fight, i want you to explain. part of me wants you to come back but i can't even look at you right now without feeling sick. i still feel like i owe you for saving me when we started dating but maybe this is for the best. i don't know, i won't get the closure i'm looking for so i'll force myself to move on. but i am ok knowing that i tried my best. 

i don't even know what to say. i'm literally losing my mind. instead of thinking of the good things i have and how to improve them, all i think about is losing what i have or what i don't have and what i did to lose them. i just feel stuck. i feel like i don't deserve the good things i have and that it is my fault if they're taken away. if only therapy was open during the summer (having to go to your school's free therapy sucks only because it's sometimes inconsistent and it's all on their time). i just need the car and i can start looking for apartments. i need to get off campus, it's one of the main reasons i'm going insane. i can't handle these mood swings anymore, i don't know how anyone else deals with me. tonight really messed me up though because i revealed a secret in front of people i love that i wanted to never think about again. it made me embarrassed and ashamed of myself. and of course i add it to the list of reasons i will lose the things i love. i'm falling back into my no-feelings zone and i know i am, so i'm really trying to hide it and pretend i'm ok and i'm trying to stop myself from going any further but so far i've broken down twice in front of one person. i usually save my crying and panic attacks for my room when i'm alone but i can't hide it much longer. i'm so angry all the time, i need to get away. i know chris won't leave me i just get these insecure moments where i think he's getting sick of me and i'm doing everything wrong. he deserves someone who can give him more, who can spend more time with him, who can show him how amazing he is. i feel like i fail him constantly. i have been working on myself though - trying to be more confident, working harder, hiding my horrible feelings. maybe i'm getting better and don't see it yet. chris reassured me he isn't going anywhere and i want to be better for him. i will be better for him.